Staring At The Blank Page.

December 2, 2006


Editor's Note:

Lynn sent this letter to me and a few others close to her, two weeks before she was due to undergo sex reassignment surgery. I thought it captured a very poignant moment in her life and perhaps in the life of other pre-ops on the eve of such an occasion.

Staring at the blank page…..What the hell else could I say about it! Haven’t I already said it all? Or did I just say it in my head? The whole damn year has been so crazy, even I can’t remember what happened to all of the time.

When this whole ball got rolling, I honestly didn’t think it would be a story worth telling. So many had done it, written about it, read about it……Weren’t all the stories told? Wasn’t it all a bit cliché’s by now?

The “it” I’m referring to is this little thing otherwise referred to as MY LIFE!

Everyone, I’m sure, would like to think that his or her life is notable, worth mention or worthy of interest. Yet while, I was leading such a wildly different path than most, the only goal I had was to blend…..Don’t look at me with a double take…..Don’t stair in amusement….Don’t gaze with pity. I just want to be normal. I long to be ordinary. I should be so proud to be considered among the status quo. Just a simple, unremarkable and barely memorable woman.

OK…Sounds doable, right? After all MILLIONS of women pull that off every day ….even while wishing something remarkable would happen to them!

Staring at the blank page……I started to realize how wild the ride was so far. I didn’t have the words to describe it but the aura of euphoria was an expression that crossed my mind. Knowing that this whole thing would be life altering, I had no idea that I would affect so many others and more so….that, their reactions would affect me even further. There are a few people who I once greatly respected and now merely acknowledge. There are others whom I merely acknowledged but now guard myself. But even more remarkable, are those that I didn’t even recognize and now greatly respect.

For it wasn’t just MY mask that came off, but everyone else’s as well.

Staring at the blank page….I squint into the future, stunned! Stunned at the straightness and smoothness of the road. The obstacles aren’t difficult but challenging! The highs are not deceiving and the low’s do not devastate. The dots are all connectable and laid out one after the other.

Now and then I find myself looking over my shoulder wondering if I should harbor regret. Should I reroute or second-guess? …..Wiping away a tear, I strive forward to become even more amazed at how incredible the journey can be when wearing the right shoes……

The horizon seems approachable yet, at the same time it keeps moving away. But the route I travel remains as clear as that first step…… that first gaze at the blank page.


Night after night, I sit and wonder what the hell is next!