Notes on Gender Role Transition
By Anne Vitale
Ph.D, Editor.
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Why Don't You Tell
Them I'm a Boy?
by Florence
Dillon
Editor's note: This piece originally appeared
in TRANS FORMING FAMILIES: REAL STORIES ABOUT TRANSGENDERED LOVED
ONES, by Mary Boenke (if you're interested in obtaining a copy of the
book, contact Mary Boenke at MaryBoenke@aol.com).
Ms. Dillon (florencedillon@juno.com)
also is interested in comments and inquiries from readers.
Setting my daughter free meant more than I'd
imagined. My husband, James, and I have two sons. Alex, who just
turned fourteen, is a classical musician and computer whiz. Steve
just turned eleven. His life revolves around rocketry, soccer, and
improvising stand-up comedy routines in the kitchen. He's in denial
about puberty being just around the corner.
- As his parents, we're concerned about the
changes puberty will bring,
- because we know how distressing it will
be for him to begin to develop
- breasts in middle school. And we're sure
that, unless something is done to
- postpone or stop it, he will develop
breasts and begin to menstruate,
- because this child--who feels and behaves
in every way like an ordinary
- boy--has a normal female body.
-
During the first year of life, the baby we
named Sarah ate, slept, and
- watched the world in silence from my
arms. Then she began to speak and run.
- It was hard to keep up with this toddler
who would climb to the top of
- anything with handholds and, later, the
preschooler who loved to jump from
- the tallest branch of our backyard tree
down to the roof of the garage.
-
- We were very proud of Sarah. I had always
hoped for a daughter who would
- define herself, who would grow to be a
strong, intelligent, and independent
- woman. This lively, fierce, thoughtful
little girl gave me great joy. As
- her mother, I wanted to create a safe,
warm nest where I could nurture her,
- then set her free to fly.
-
- Sarah tested my resolve to set her free
in a way I had never imagined. On
- her third birthday, she tore the wrapping
paper from one of her
- grandmother's gifts and discovered a pink
velvet dress trimmed in ribbons
- and white lace. I knew she wouldn't want
to wear it--she hadn't voluntarily
- put on anything but pants since turning
two, and this dress was totally
- impractical for playing the way Sarah
played. Nevertheless, I was surprised
- by her reaction.
-
- She looked up, not unhappy, but puzzled
and confused, and asked, "Why is
- Grandma giving me a dress? Doesn't she
know I'm not the kind of girl who
- wears dresses?" Then, with an air of
great satisfaction at finding the
- solution to a problem, she said, "Just
tell Grandma I'm a boy."
-
- Initially I assumed Sarah's announcement
was simply an attempt to
- communicate a clothing preference in
language she thought grownups would
- understand. Then, shortly after her
birthday, Sarah said she wanted us to
- call her "Steve." We thought this an odd
request, but tried to remember to
- say "Steve" from time to time. A few
weeks later we received a call from
- the Sunday school teacher who taught the
three-year-olds at our church. She
- told us our daughter had asked to have
the name "Sarah" on her name tag
- crossed out and replaced with "Steve." We
realized then that the name
- "Steve" must be very important to Sarah,
so we told the teacher it would be
- all right to call her "Steve" for the
time being.
-
- At home, we talked to Sarah about the
difference between a nickname like
- "Steve" and her real name. But in our
neighborhood and on the playground at
- the park, Sarah began to introduce
herself only as Steve. Within our
- family, she became more insistent that
she was a boy. She never said, "I
- want to be a boy," or, "I wish I were a
boy," but always, "I am a boy." She
- demanded we use masculine pronouns when
referring to her. When we forgot or refused, her face would screw
up in fury and exasperation, and the
- offending parent was likely to be pinched
or kicked by this usually loving
- child. I stopped using pronouns
altogether when Sarah was within earshot.
-
- The teacher at Montessori preschool
wasn't as flexible as the Sunday school
- teacher. The children were learning to
write their names, and "Sarah" was
- evidently the only name the teacher was
willing to teach. This became an
- issue as Christmas approached.
Four-year-old Sarah came home one day and
- asked how to spell "Steve" so she could
sign her letter to Santa. When I
- cautioned that Santa might not be able to
find our house if the name on the
- letter wasn't correct, she looked at me
with scorn. "Santa knows where I
- live, Mommy. He knows my name is Steve."
-
- I decided it was time to seek
professional help. I had no idea why Sarah
- was convinced it was better to be a boy.
Surely someone could tell me what
- I was doing wrong. And it must be
something I was doing, or failing to do,
- because the children were in my care
twenty-four hours a day. No one else
- had nearly as many opportunities to
influence them. My husband was pursuing
- a corporate career that required his
attention eleven or twelve hours a
- day, and I--very much by choice after
fifteen years of work and
- academia--was a full-time mom.
-
- My first call for help was to our state
university's human development
- department. When I described my child and
our family's situation, the
- "human development specialist" who took
the call laughed reassuringly and
- said, "Don't worry about a thing. Your
child has a great imagination. Lots
- of bright, creative kids try out
different roles at this age. She'll grow
- out of it."
-
- With relief, I took that advice, stopped
worrying, and waited for Sarah to
- grow out of it. For the next couple of
years, I supported my child's wish
- to be called Steve. I no longer made her
unhappy by insisting, "You're a
- girl." Instead I said, "You have a girl's
body, though Mommy and Daddy know
- you feel like a boy."
-
- But I still felt responsible for my
second child's inability to accept that
- she was a girl, and I set out to correct
whatever misapprehensions she
- might have about becoming a woman.
Because being a mother was such a joy
- for me, I told Sarah the most wonderful
thing about being a girl is that
- girls can grow up and have babies of
their own. Hearing this, Sarah's face
- darkened. She shuddered and said, "I
don't want to talk about that." She
- asked if everyone had to get married and
have babies when they grew up.
- When told no, of course not, she relaxed
and said she was always going to
- live in our house with Alex.
-
- By age five, Sarah had given all her
dresses to a neighbor girl of the same
- age. She wouldn't put on any item of
clothing without first asking if it
- had been made for a boy or a girl. Only
boys' clothes would do. I found
- myself confessing to sales clerks in
boys' departments that I was buying
- these socks and pants and jackets for my
daughter who evidently thought it
- would be better to be a boy. I felt I
owed perfect strangers an explanation
- of something I couldn't explain to
myself.
-
- Still relying on the academic advice we
had received when our child was
- four years old, I believed that Steve
would eventually yield to "reality"
- and find a way to accept growing into a
woman. The possibility that my
- child might be transsexual crossed my
mind, but seemed so rare as to be
- extremely unlikely. The most difficult
thing for me at that time was trying
- to keep all the options open--the
ambiguity of not knowing for sure where
- Sarah/Steve belonged on the gender
spectrum. As a woman, I hoped my child
- would learn that she was unique and that
she had the right to define the
- kind of woman she would become. As a
mother, my greatest concern was that
- my child feel wholly accepted and loved.
-
- James and I searched for information
about how and why a child's sense of
- gender can contradict his or her
biological sex. There were very few
- studies available and none of them were
well-designed, in my opinion,
- because they tended to rely solely on
adult impressions and observations of
- children who were deemed "too masculine"
as girls or "too feminine" as
- boys. It struck me as unhelpful and even
harmful to judge children's dress
- and play as appropriate or inappropriate
depending on how closely they
- approximated sex-role stereotypes from
the 1950s. According to the studies,
- very few of these "masculine girls" or
"feminine boys" grew up to be
- transsexual. Of those adults who did
later identify as transsexual or
- transgendered, nothing had been noted
about them as children that
- differentiated them from the others in
the studies.
-
- Those early researchers did not ask the
children what they thought or felt
- about their own gender--whether they
believed themselves to be boys or
- girls despite the contrary shapes of
their bodies. The researchers' failure
- to ask that question clearly limits the
value of their work. More recent
- medical research indicates that gender
identity is every person's internal,
- brain-embedded awareness of being male or
female (or somewhere in between). Gender identity determines
whether a person feels male or female, not how masculine or
feminine that person may appear to others.
-
- What was our child's true gender
identity? I didn't want to cause Steve
- more anguish at his young age by pushing
him in either direction. Steve was
- a very bright, sensitive child who was
troubled and confused about having a
- girl's body. He couldn't understand or
explain why he had this body,
- although he continued to state
unequivocally that he was a boy. He told me
- he knew there was nothing a boy could do
that a girl couldn't do, but he
- was a boy. I wanted to give this child
plenty of unpressured time to come
- to terms with being whoever he was.
-
- After a painful kindergarten year during
which our child was officially
- known as "Sarah," we asked the
first-grade teacher to use the name "Steve"
- and to let Steve handle it if other
children wondered whether Steve was a
- boy or a girl. Because we knew this
situation was unusual and would very
- likely cause stress for the teachers, we
offered to pay for a clinical
- psychologist specializing in gender
issues to meet with the school staff.
- We wanted to provide an experienced
resource to answer their questions
- about gender identity and help them
develop strategies for dealing with a
- gender-variant child in their classrooms.
-
- The school principal accepted our offer.
However, one week before the staff
- gender training was scheduled to occur,
the principal called to say she was
- disturbed because she had overheard
children asking whether Steve was a boy
- or a girl. She perceived this as
"harassment" of Steve, and she wasn't
- going to allow it to continue. Without
waiting for input from the
- professional gender therapist, she had
decided to call an all-school
- assembly meeting for the purpose of
announcing to the entire student body
- at once that Steve was a girl, and to
tell them that no one was ever to
- mention it again.
-
- Nothing would more terrify my child. The
single most important concern of
- Steve's life was to be seen as a boy. His
girl's body was a source of deep
- shame to him. He was so fearful of anyone
else finding out about it that he
- insisted on wearing three layers of
clothing to bed at night.
-
- Before the school year began, we had
asked permission for Steve to use the
- unisex staff rest room because the girls'
and boys' rooms are the only
- places in school where children are
routinely identified by sex. The
- principal had refused our request.
Because he saw himself as a boy and knew
- that boys didn't use the girls' room, our
six-year-old was in agony from
- trying not to go to the bathroom at all
until he got home at the end of the
- day.
-
- When the principal told me her plan to
make the all-school announcement, I
- was stunned. I felt powerless to protect
my child. I've since learned that
- parents have considerable rights when
protecting their children's welfare
- in the public schools, but at that moment
all I could manage to say was
- that her decision would be devastating to
Steve. The principal was firm,
- but offered to take Steve for a walk and
"explain it to her."
-
- Later, the principal called back to
report what had happened. She had asked
- Steve if he would like the questions from
the other children to stop. Steve
- said he would. Then the principal told
him she was going to make the
- questions stop by telling everyone that
Steve was a girl.
-
- Steve looked up at her and said, "Why
don't you tell them I'm a boy?"
-
- To her credit, the principal listened to
him. Startled by this
- first-grader's logic and assertiveness,
she decided to wait until after the
- visit from the gender specialist to put
her plan into action.
-
- The public announcement never happened.
The psychologist who conducted the
- gender training made it clear to the
school staff that gender identity is
- innate, that it is established at a very
early age, that it can differ from
- an individual's biological sex, and that
it's neither appropriate nor
- possible for teachers to try to change a
student's gender identity.
-
- Today, Steve is known as a boy by his
classmates. He's been elected
- president of the fifth grade and holds
school records for push-ups and
- pull-ups. He has changed from a
frightened, clingy child who had to be
- pushed kicking and screaming onto the
school bus in first grade into a
- happy, confident boy who cockily
practices muscle-man poses in the mirror.
-
- Steve is the only expert on his own
experience. He has never doubted his
- identity. And, although his parents and
older brother find it helpful to
- use the term "transgendered" to describe
him, he doesn't refer to himself
- that way. As far as Steve is concerned,
he's just a boy.
-
-
- Florence Dillon is a pseudonym, and the
names of Sarah, Steve, and other
- parties in this story have been changed
to protect the identity of the
- individuals featured. Parents seeking
more information about support and
- services available to families dealing
with
- gay/lesbian/bisexual/transgender (GLBT)
issues can contact Rainbow Families
- at (612) 370-6651; or Parents, Families,
and Friends of Lesbians and Gays
- (P-PLAG) at (612) 825-1660. Both are
grassroots organizations dedicated to
- supporting GLBT families.